That Time It All Was Too Much

I'm sitting on my back deck right now, enjoying my Sunday, actually having a fun day.  I'm currently lounging in a freshly filled inflatable pool and persusing Facebook.

Best $15 Bucks ever

 Well, I guess I'm writing this now.

 This time last year I was not in the place.  I was quite honestly, nowhere. I suffer from, and have since I was young, Seasonal Affective Disorder.

 It affects many people, and has to do with a drop in vitamin D production amongst other things... Usually it strikes around the winter holidays and starts clearing up in my head around mid January to Early February.

 I struggle with the basic things, like getting out of bed, and breathing. Adherence to routine gets me through, and the stress induced, cortisol fueled holiday grooming but inside I'm not there.

I'm hibernating.

 There are many things that can help, but it's hard to get into a routine of cure and prevention when you are already in the middle of it...  it can feel like asking for a life vest when you are already drowning.

 Warm sunny springs and long runs usually snap me out and back to life... but I didn't have any of that last year.

 The spring was cold and miserable. It rained seemingly everyday... The bad feeling drug on and on. I questioned if I should groom.  I questioned if I should compete, if I should just shave everyone down and admit defeat. Find a new a career or move away somewhere no one knew what a failure I was.

 I almost completely disconnected from Facebook; a place I was so prevalent I had near strangers contacting my boyfriend and family.

 I had close friends thinking Joe, my boyfriend, had murdered me... and threatening to send the cops for a wellness check. (for future reference I'm 100% more likely to be the murderer in this relationship).

 I hadn't even completely disappeared. I'd scroll through here and there and like things. I competed at a handful of shows. I just didnt hang out. I got my dogs done and went home.

 Everything was too much and I couldn't articulate that.  I couldn't explain it to Joe, the person I'm closest to in all the world, how could I explain it to anyone else?

 A weekend away in August, gave me enough strength to crawl out of my hole.  I went to my childhood vacation spot and it allowed me to pull myself back to here and now.

 I competed at Hershey and New England after, but NEPGP is the show that impacted me the most.  So many people told me.it was good to see me back in the ring, asked where I'd been all year..  Its strange to know you've been places and people didn't really notice.

 In contrast, I've been nearly everywhere this year. I feel affirmed competing, I still dont want to get out of bed (and my commute is slowly killing my soul), but I'm also here.  I'm no longer empty hibernating in a corner of my mind.

 I'm taking pride in my work, I'm back to putting myself out there and spending less time on time suckers (like mobile games or watching the BBC Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice 3 nights in a row. in its entirety).

 I still have good days and bad days like everyone, but they are just days.

 We all suffer from time to time in this way.

Even when we are working for a dream we start to doubt we deserve it. 

We get overwhelmed by the work it takes to achieve it, or paralyzed by the fear of taking the first step.

 We all feel these things. We all can overcome it.

Ask for that life vest, even if you are already drowning.

That thing about Time

  If you have been around the competition ring at all, you'll know I was almost certainly the last person to check in for awhile.  In years past, I was even occasionally the subject of some mic shout outs about finally joining everyone. I wasn't dawdling or socializing... mostly I was frantically trying to fluff out my next dog after sprinting to potty my others.

   Those moments were embarrassing, yes, but running behind is pretty engraved into the fiber of my being.  In fact I wanted to write this post 10 days ago. 😏💁 

  I've been a procrastinator my entire life.  I often find it difficult to fit in everything I need and want to do, and that has caused relationships and my own self care to suffer.  I take small steps periodically to learn to prioritize but eventually I say yes to too many things, or make too many grand plans for the amount of time I actually have.

  Most of the stress I feel in my life is about time management. I will wake up 30 minutes earlier to get to work on days I know I need to leave at a certain time and still clock in 15 minutes late. Even if I pack days in advance for a contest I am inevitably up until the wee early morning hours running around finishing laundry or making sure the blades and scissors I packed actually work.  

  This in turn feeds into my drive to the show; I wind up leaving at least 2 hours later than I planned.  If I hit traffic or a storm, it can be as late as 10 pm before I arrive (which means a 12 or 1 am bedtime).  Often by the time I arrive on site I am already exhausted and irritated, and the dogs are rambunctious and antsy to stretch their legs.  I start the weekend already failing myself.

  It is a hard habit to shake, always being late.  I'm the type of person that instinctively wants to help.  I want to offer advice and make things easier for others, even though it may negatively affect myself.

Seriously, My Next Reminder Tattoo

So what is a bleeding heart, born procrastinator to do? 

Learn to say no of course.

Which I'm terrible at.

I will always say yes to adding another dog to my schedule in my day to day, or I will say yes to picking up a competition dog along my way for a friend.  Even if it is 2 hours out of my way... 

Honestly, I am learning to say no.  I am taking back my dogs that I maintain for myself and actually using them (I promise Anne!), I am prioritizing my and my dog's comfort and space over cramming another last minute dog into my van. I try not to schedule things immediately after work so I'm not trying to rush through when I'm already tired and stressed.

But more importantly I am learning to say no in my own way. If I can't help or feel like the helping is not going to benefit me, I am learning to say I cannot but maybe so and so can.

Doing this, I am using my vast network of dog friends, and I am also not just flat out disappointing someone which I'd internalize into a guilt trip of my own making that would eventually lead me to saying yes to the thing I don't want to do and already said no to. (Have I mentioned I probably have an anxiety disorder? 😀)

I am also learning to ask for help.

Saturdays at the shows are brutal for me.  I have to prep my cocker spaniel and poodle in the morning.  I have to walk everyone, and I need to feed and caffeinate myself.  I've finally decided I can't do it all at PetQuest; I prioritized what I needed to do, and sought assistance to delegate what others could do for me.  Jasymn and Alissa answered my plea for help and it made walking into the ring so much simpler.

I was able to focus on myself.  I could take a deep breath and relax and get mentally ready.

I competed all day Saturday, and instead of being tired and cranky,  and glad to be done, I was able to enjoy my work.  I was able to help a fellow competitor with her poodle. I was able get dressed into real adult clothes, and visit with my friends and colleagues socially.  Because I made myself a priority.

At home this is still a struggle.  It is overwhelming some days to try and keep the house reasonably clean, maintain all my dogs, eat right, get some exercise, stay current on life happenings and also relax.  I try to do what I can but feel guilty if its not everything I planned. Often times I hide in the bathroom just mindlessly scrolling through Facebook just to breathe.

 But the older I get the more I am realizing that there are never enough hours in the day to do all the things we wish we could or that we actually need to do.  I will almost always waste time and procrastinate.... at competitions, during my regular days, heck even my days off are seldom spent doing all the things I wanted to do.... 

The best that I can hope for is I learn to prioritize what is most important to me and make sure that is the thing I do first.  The second thing I need to learn is to forgive myself.  It is okay that I didn't get it all done.  It will get done in its own time.  And part of that forgiveness is learning to be flexible with priorities... Sometimes playing with my dogs is the priority.  Sometimes it is writing a blog. Maybe even a Nap once in awhile, and on a rare occasion it is scrubbing the toilet (Obviously, third thing is hire a housekeeper 😆).

Time is always going to win, but learning to say no and prioritizing myself, I'll get a few stolen moments back here and there.  Those are the moments I'll be able to appreciate, to slow down just a tad from the relentless sprint I find myself in most days.