That Time It All Was Too Much

I'm sitting on my back deck right now, enjoying my Sunday, actually having a fun day.  I'm currently lounging in a freshly filled inflatable pool and persusing Facebook.

Best $15 Bucks ever

 Well, I guess I'm writing this now.

 This time last year I was not in the place.  I was quite honestly, nowhere. I suffer from, and have since I was young, Seasonal Affective Disorder.

 It affects many people, and has to do with a drop in vitamin D production amongst other things... Usually it strikes around the winter holidays and starts clearing up in my head around mid January to Early February.

 I struggle with the basic things, like getting out of bed, and breathing. Adherence to routine gets me through, and the stress induced, cortisol fueled holiday grooming but inside I'm not there.

I'm hibernating.

 There are many things that can help, but it's hard to get into a routine of cure and prevention when you are already in the middle of it...  it can feel like asking for a life vest when you are already drowning.

 Warm sunny springs and long runs usually snap me out and back to life... but I didn't have any of that last year.

 The spring was cold and miserable. It rained seemingly everyday... The bad feeling drug on and on. I questioned if I should groom.  I questioned if I should compete, if I should just shave everyone down and admit defeat. Find a new a career or move away somewhere no one knew what a failure I was.

 I almost completely disconnected from Facebook; a place I was so prevalent I had near strangers contacting my boyfriend and family.

 I had close friends thinking Joe, my boyfriend, had murdered me... and threatening to send the cops for a wellness check. (for future reference I'm 100% more likely to be the murderer in this relationship).

 I hadn't even completely disappeared. I'd scroll through here and there and like things. I competed at a handful of shows. I just didnt hang out. I got my dogs done and went home.

 Everything was too much and I couldn't articulate that.  I couldn't explain it to Joe, the person I'm closest to in all the world, how could I explain it to anyone else?

 A weekend away in August, gave me enough strength to crawl out of my hole.  I went to my childhood vacation spot and it allowed me to pull myself back to here and now.

 I competed at Hershey and New England after, but NEPGP is the show that impacted me the most.  So many people told me.it was good to see me back in the ring, asked where I'd been all year..  Its strange to know you've been places and people didn't really notice.

 In contrast, I've been nearly everywhere this year. I feel affirmed competing, I still dont want to get out of bed (and my commute is slowly killing my soul), but I'm also here.  I'm no longer empty hibernating in a corner of my mind.

 I'm taking pride in my work, I'm back to putting myself out there and spending less time on time suckers (like mobile games or watching the BBC Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice 3 nights in a row. in its entirety).

 I still have good days and bad days like everyone, but they are just days.

 We all suffer from time to time in this way.

Even when we are working for a dream we start to doubt we deserve it. 

We get overwhelmed by the work it takes to achieve it, or paralyzed by the fear of taking the first step.

 We all feel these things. We all can overcome it.

Ask for that life vest, even if you are already drowning.